


Hindsight

by DumbTeenBoy



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, Falling In Love, I Wrote This While Listening to Hozier's Music, Implied/Referenced Suicide, I’m gay and sad, M/M, Not A Fix-It, Poetry, Todd Anderson-centric, as per usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumbTeenBoy/pseuds/DumbTeenBoy
Summary: hindsight/ˈhʌɪn(d)sʌɪt/nounnoun: hindsightunderstanding of a situation or event only after it has happened or developed."with hindsight, Todd Anderson should have known"
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Kudos: 33





	Hindsight

Todd Anderson is 10 years old when he dreams of a dying boy.

the dream starts soft, tumbling slowly into chaos as most tragedies tend to, there's bright lights and a big stage like the ones his mother loves so dearly, and there he sits as the boy talks in a language he can't quite grasp- all he knows is that the boy is beautiful and he practically glows under the lights.

The boy gets off the stage and hugs Todd, tighter and more intimately than Todd had ever been held- his parents were certainly never one for open affection, and his brother Jeff showed his fondness like the other boys in Todd's school- pats on the back and harsh side embraces.

There's something secret in the way the boy holds Todd which makes his heart bounce in his chest, like he's been running an awfully long time. 

the boy pulls away, and when his eyes shift and his smile drops, with it goes the warmth in Todds chest. He doesn't know why, but within the small limbo of dreams, Todd feels rather unwell, stomach knotted and palms sweating.

The dream shifts and Todd finds himself in the snow, his face cold and wet with tears he doesn't recall shedding, and he thinks to himself how wrong this feels, he can't handle how much his heart aches in his ribcage.

He scrambles for any reason he feels like this- this devastating cold falling on his chest like the snow around him- he wants nothing more than to see the boy again, but the warm, joyous face who transformed on stage in a burst of warmth had left, leaving Todd with the beautiful cold around him.

He wakes with a jolt, hands sweaty, eyes skirting frantically around his room.

The boy's eyes and the heavy feeling of snow under his hands stay in his mind for weeks after the dream.

  
  


Todd Anderson is 13 years old, when he realizes he likes boys more than he probably should. 

Objectively, he knew it was wrong, boys weren't meant to love other boys. But something about sharp jawlines and furrowed eyebrows makes Todd wonder if the rest of the world was the problem.

David Hart sits beside Todd in class, he has pretty, dark eyes and he doesn't mind that Todd doesn't speak much. 

When their teacher asks them to partner up and discuss the history questions, David turns to him and talks about the new radio his father brought home, beaming when Todd said how much he liked the radio in his own house.

When asked about the questions, David answers them, clearly and casually in a way Todd can only dream- going as far as to praise Todd on points he didn't make.

Todd thinks he may have been a bit in love.

Todd is 15 when he realizes his shyness doesn't seem to be fading away, contrary to everyone's reassurance.

His brother slaps him on the back, tells him he'll never get a girl if he doesn't put himself out there- as if Todd chooses for his throat to close up and not let him speak in front of people.

it's not like he even wants a girl.

Of course, he'd never dare say that out loud.

Despite what people may assume- he doesn't hate Jeff. Of course there's an undertone of desperation to impress in every interaction- but Jeff never let what his parents said make him believe he was better than Todd. Todd was still his brother, and Todd still looked up to him.

He just wishes his parents could understand him the way Jeff tries to.

Instead, at 16, they ship Todd off to Welton Academy. Another attempt to get him to live up to his brother. 

Todd Anderson is 16 when he meets Neil Perry.

There's something strikingly familiar about him, the squint of his eyes when he smiles reminds Todd faintly of an old friend, but he can't figure out why.

Neil, despite this, is like a breath of fresh air to Todd. He's exciting and extraordinary and everything Todd isn't.

He had hoped to keep his head down in Welton, to not draw too much attention to himself- but he soon realizes this is impossible with Neil Perry as his roommate and soon, of course, his friend. 

People seem naturally drawn to Neil, and even in their little group, he was the leader they'd follow to the end of the world. 

Todd thought he knew Neil's type. Charismatic, ignorant to their own arrogance, idolised people such as Todd's brother, another shadow to live in.

"Oh so you're that Anderson."

Because of course, even in his fresh start,Todd couldn't catch a break.

Yet, after his initial introduction, Neil had gone on to surprise Todd more times than he could count. He not only made an effort to bring Todd into the conversation and include him, he seemed to genuinely care about Todd- seemed almost intrigued by him, although why exactly Todd would never know.

When Mr.Keating tells them about the Dead Poets Society, Neil seems to take on a new life- his eyes seemed brighter, his steps lighter. His excitement overflowed, splashing the others with quickening hearts and barbaric yawps.

Todd's face flushes and for the first time 

in his life, he wants to do something incredible- the only problem was that voice in the back of his mind, reminding him of everything he isn't.

He isn't a genius, like Meeks, or confident like Charlie.

He isn't listened to like neil.

But he sure as hell was listened to 

Neil.

When Todd tells Neil he can't go to the meetings, he attempts to play it off as nonchalance

But Mr.Keating's voice rings through his head.

carpe diem

So, at Neil's promise that he doesn't have to read, Todd attends the first revival of the Dead Poets Society.

And its incredible 

Granted, a few of the others dont take it as seriously and they mess around- but Todd is overwhelmed at how much he feels at home with these boys he's known for a little over two weeks. 

When Neil bursts into their room one evening, and announces he's going to audition for a Midsummers Night Dream, Todd's heart drops to his feet and he suddenly feels very unwell- flashes of crowns made from twigs and berries flash behind his eyes and there's a sharp cold spreading in his body.

He tries to talk Neil out of it, he couldn't pinpoint why but he knew something awful would come of it.

He doesn't realise he's hit a nerve until what started out as an ecstatic conversation turns into the closest thing they had to an argument.

"Just butt out!" Todd says, looking down at his lap to the poetry that just wasnt working for him because the only thing he could think of was Neil and his stupid hair and stupid smile and-

"No."

His eyes snap up.

"What do you mean, no?"

A smile.

"No"

Suddenly, they aren't arguing- they're running around their dorm, giving good hearted jabs and when the others join them Todds laughing so hard he can't breathe.

Under the surface, Todd knew there was a storm brewing. Beyond the overwhelming concern Todd had at the idea of Neil going behind his father's back, small grins and brushing hands had Todd's emotions swirling in his stomach and he knew there was only a matter of time before he fell completely head over heels in love with his roommate.

It wasn't until Todd spills his guts out in an impromptu poem does he think he might actually have a chance. He opens his eyes, adrenaline rushing through him, 

he feels as though he's floating, and briefly he locks eyes with Neil and his heart is in his throat. He feels like crying and laughing and running a hundred miles all at once. 

That night, when Todd gets back from the library, Neil is sitting- nervous and fidgeting in his seat. Neil springs up when the door opens, and before Todd can ask what's happening, Neil sits him down and takes a shuddering breath, running his hands over his face, preparing himself to say the words that would come to change everything.

"You're incredible, Todd. I don't understand how don't go about flaunting it every other day, but by god when you stood in front of the class today... that was like-like magic Todd. You say that- that people don't listen to you, but they did and you-you demanded their attention. I- we thought you were amazing. The way you spoke held so much importance and you're just so amazing i can't believe you can't see it-"

Todd can't help it- carpe fucking diem- he rushes forward and presses his lips to Neil's, who lets out a soft surprised "hmph!" before holding Todd's face in his hand gently.

They break apart and Todd doesn't think he's ever smiled this hard before.

"So....you think I'm incredible, huh?"

"I really do."

"you're one to talk- you're like the definition of perfect."

"Hm... I think we're consulting different dictionaries here."

He laughs lightly, before looking up to Neil, meeting his eyes for a moment before looking away again. Neil doesn't mind, and lightly presses another kiss to Todd's nose, thinking he couldn't possibly be happier.

Those few weeks spent in and out of the cave, accompanied by secret hand holding and stolen kisses, along with Keating's classes, were some of the best in Todd's teenage years by far.

But, as the course of natural life will have it- all good things must come to an end, and the poets- with all their talk of immortality and unforgettable words- were no exception.

If Todd had come to learn anything from his time at Welton- it was to never doubt his instincts again-

He just wished he learned that sooner.

As the time between them and the Play grew shorter, Todd's feelings of foreboding grew only worse- but he couldn't tell Neil- he had helped Todd sith so much and Todd wouldn't let himself be selfish with Neil's good nature. This was something Todd could finally give back.

So he helped Neil run his lines, and he matched his screaming inner voice with glorious yells of Shakespeare by the docks of Welton. 

Time, of course moved on as ever- she cared not for Todd's growing uneasiness, nor for Neil's never-ending excitement. She got on with what she had to do, and did it with stiff pride.

The night of the play came- anticlimactic for all Todd had built it up to be. 11:59 turned 12 PM and Todd sighed. Neil was still breathing softly beside him.

He was safe. 

Thoughts of unease left his mind as the day went on, and as Neil left early to get to the theatre- giving Todd a swift kiss on the temple as he put on his coat ("For good luck, of course")- Todd even felt quite excited for the night ahead.

Neil, after months of endless rehearsals and determination, was absolutely incredible on the stage. The words, to quote Mr.keating, dripped like honey from his tongue. The lights shone- not on him- but for him. Todd's heart was beating so fast in his chest he felt as though it would burst. He felt so much love for Neil in that moment it didn't even feel real that Neil could love him too-

Like a dream.

The final lines are spoken, and Neil takes his bows. Todd lets out a whopping cheer that Todd from 6 months ago could have only imagined.

Lights go down.

Neil gets off the stage and Todd meets him in the middle- a hug that feels so personal and special and so Neil, Todd feels a fleeting panic- like this is some sort of goodbye.

Before he can say anything, Neil looks over his shoulder.

His face drops-

With it goes Todd's stomach.

Neil is ushered to the car, his father scowling, and gives one final look to the Poet's before driving off.

Todd goes to bed that night, uneasy and restless.

There's no ones breathing but his own in the room.

He cannot ensure Neil is safe.

In the morning- he wakes to white snow and crying friends.

"Neil's dead."

Todd Anderson is seventeen years old when he loses his first love.

In blinding cold snow, Todd Anderson remembers a dream from long ago.

He thinks bitterly, between denying cries and sorrowful sobs-

How it was all the wrong dreams that seemed to come true. 


End file.
